The Society of Manufacturing Engineers

How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years

REDNECK VALENTINE!
   Collards are green,
   my dog's name is Blue
   and I'm so lucky
   to have a sweet thang like you.
   Yore hair is like cornsilk
   a-flappin in the breeze.
   Softer than Blue's
   and without all them fleas.
   You move like the bass,
   which excite me in May.
   You ain't got no scales
   but I luv you anyway.
   Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
   jist a-fry'n in the pan.
   Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
   right out of the can.
   You have some'a yore teeth
   for which I am proud.
   I hold my head high
   when we're in a crowd.
   On special occasions,
   when you shave under yore arms,
   well, I'm in hawg heaven
   and awed by yore charms.
   Still them fellers at work,
   they all want to know,
   what I did to deserve
   such a purdy, young doe.
   Like a good roll of duct tape
   yo're there fer yore man,
   to patch up life's troubles
   and fix what you can.
   Yo're as cute as a junebug
   a-buzzin' overhead.
   You ain't mean like those far ants
   I found in my bed.
   Cut from the best cloth
   like a plaid flannel shirt,
   you spark up my life
   more than a fresh load of dirt.
   When you hold me real tight
   like a padded gunrack,
   my life is complete.
   Ain't nuttin' I lack.
   Yore complexion, it's perfection,
   like the best vinyl sidin'
   despite all the years,
   yore age, it keeps hidin'.
   Me "n" you's like a moon pie
   with a RC cold drank,
   we go together
   like a skunk goes with stank.
   Some men, they buy chocolate
   for a Valentine's Day,
   they git it at Wal-Mart,
   it's romantic that way.
   Some men git roses
   on that special day
   from the cooler at Krogers,
   that's impressive, I say.
   Some men buy fine diamonds
   from a flea market booth.
   "Diamonds are forever",
   they explain, suave and couth.
   But for this man, honey,
   these won't do.
   Cause yo're too special,
   you sweet thang you.
   I got you a gift,
   without taste nor odor,
   more useful than diamonds....
   IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!

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Solution to the Oil Crisis
By Dave Barry

More Dinosaurs Are The Solution To The Oil Crisis
    IF YOU'VE been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92. And that's just for Hostess Twinkies. Gas prices are even worse. Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights are being violated! The First Amendment clearly states: ``In addition to freedom of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices, so they can drive around in `sport utility' vehicles the size of minor planets.''
    And don't let any so-called ``economists'' try to tell you that foreigners pay more for gas than we do. Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in foreign units called ``kilometers,'' plus they are paying for it with foreign currencies such as the ``franc,'' the ``lira'' and the ``doubloon.'' So in fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they are paying. But here in the United States we are definitely getting messed over, and the question is: What are we going to do about it?
    Step 1, of course, is to file a class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies. They have nothing to do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we'd probably win several hundred billion dollars. But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this problem, we must understand how the oil business works. Like most Americans, you probably think that gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station. Ha ha! What an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from tanks UNDER the gas station. These tanks are connected to underground pipelines, which carry large oil tankers filled with oil from the Middle East.
    But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the first place? To answer that question, we must go back millions of years, to an era that geologists call the Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the Earth, eating everything that stood in their path, except for broccoli, which they hated. And then, one fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway asteroid, believed by scientists to be nearly twice the diameter of the late Orson Welles, slammed into the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer bad luck all happened to be standing right where it landed. The massive impact turned the dinosaurs, via a process called photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was then gradually covered with a layer of sand, which in turn was gradually covered by a layer of people who hate each other, and thus the Middle East was formed. For many years, the Middle East was content to supply the United States with as much oil as we wanted at fair constitutional prices. But then the major oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait and Texas -- got all snotty and formed an organization called OPEC, which stands for ``North Atlantic Treaty Organization.'' In the 1970s, OPEC decided to raise prices, and soon the United States was caught up in a serious crisis: The Disco Era. It was horrible. You couldn't go to a bar or wedding reception without being ordered onto the dance floor to learn ``The Hustle.''
    AT THE SAME time, we also had an oil crisis, which was caused by the fact that every motorist in the United States was determined to keep his or her automobile gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon as your gas gauge dropped from ``Full'' to ``Fifteen-sixteenths,'' you'd rush to a gas station and get in a huge line with hundreds of other motorists who also had nearly full tanks. Also a lot of people, including me, saved on heating oil by buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room filled with kerosene fumes. Buying gas and dancing ``The Hustle'' with people who smelled like kerosene: That was the '70s.
    So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time we got rid of our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them with Chevrolet Suburbans boasting the same fuel economy as the World Trade Center. Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation? Of course not! We have the brains of  mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two  blockbuster scientific movies, ``Jurassic Park'' and ``Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot.'' Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid. Or, if he is available, Marlon Brando.  If this plan makes sense to you, double your medication dosage, then write to your congressperson. Do it now! That way you'll be busy when I siphon your tank.

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HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or: Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.  (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do"
29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"
30) Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"
31) When an annoying salesperson calls ask them if you can have their home number and you will call them back

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Letter to The Parents...

Dear Mom and Dad
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.

Reply from dad...

Dear Son,

 I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

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You know you're working in corporate America when...

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
"Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
Art involves a white board.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
Change is the norm.
Nepotism is encouraged.
The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
You read this entire list and understood it.

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More Deep Thoughts... By Jack Handy

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me?  Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean?  It's a mystery and so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later, you might think you're having a good idea but it's really just the eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out  it, and if he leans too far, he falls out.  Wait—I guess that's like a regular window.

Remember, kids in the backseat don't cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.

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Have something you think is funny and clean enough to send in??
... please email it to me: Greg Lock